Last Letters
by snarky-devil2
Summary: Completely OOC fic involving bitingly sardonic letters written between Arthur and Molly Weasley at the end of their respective lives: dark "tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek" humor abounds...NOT for the faint of heart!
1. The First Letter

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
  
The following is a somewhat ascerbically toned letter from Arthur Weasley to his wife moments before his (self-inflicted) demise. I realize that he may seem TOTALLY OOC to those of you who read my humble little offering made here, but I thought (at the time of writing) that it would be really interesting to speculate as to what this seemingly mild-mannered man would have to say if, one day, he just finally snapped....hope it gives you a bit of a sardonic giggle...  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.  
  
Dearest Molly,  
  
I don't know if you'll even find this...hell, I don't know that you'd even really care if you did. I'm just the guy that brings home the pay-cheque after all, that you've managed to have a few kids with over the years....  
  
A 'few' kids—ha! That's a joke! I just had to go and pick the most insatiable woman in all of wizardom for a wife, now didn't I? If only I could have finally figured out the great mysteries underlying that wonderful Muggle thing called 'ekeltricity'—then maybe we could have brought something called a 'telly-fission' into the house and you would have finally left me alone...  
  
But back to the kids now, eh? Because you don't really want to be on the receiving end of this all alone now do ya'? I thought not, so let's start with Bill:  
  
Tell me, oh wife (soon-to-be-widow) of mine, who's the adult parent here—you or him? Sure the pony-tail is kind of cool and makes him a bit of a magnet for the affections of the ladies, but sweet Merlin woman! Do you REALLY want him to end up like me? Trapped at too young an age in a marriage as rife with rocky pitfalls as ours has been? Next time you see that boy, do everyone concerned a favor: tie that little nancy-boy down and cut the blasted thing off (and YES woman—I'm referring to the PONY-TAIL!!)!  
  
Now on to the others: Charlie we just won't spend too much time on—he never really was a favorite son of mine and he's got his work and traveling to occupy him, so he'll be out of our (I mean 'your') hair for a good long while yet and presents no immediate cause for concern...  
  
Percy—now that's a slightly different story there. Definetly marching to the beat of his own drummer that one, isn't he? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure they gave you the right kid when they handed him over to you in the hospital? Never really seemed to fit in at all (a point on which I can somewhat relate) and the sooner he just 'comes out' and admits to his love for Voldemort and shags the Dark Lord senseless, the better off I think all of us (I mean 'you') will finally be.  
  
Fred and George—or 'Gred and Feorge' as I know they like to call themselves. I honestly believed you were trying to do me in BACK THEN woman, the day we found out about the twins. But then we brought these little hellions home and I have to say here at the last that, despite all the trouble and mischief they've caused over the years, they were actually worth it...I will miss those little mayhem makers dearly.  
  
And then there's Ron—the whiny, ungrateful little prat. Though I suppose he's acquired those qualities from you darling...after all, I know that I don't like being poor! You no longer have the excuse of 'having to be there for the kids' to fall back upon anymore, Molly—in case you haven't noticed, they've all finished with school (or nearly) now and have lives that are somewhat their own (even if they do still insist on foisting themselves upon us randomly and periodically)...so on that note I must ask you here dear, would it have killed you, Molly-love, at any point of our mutual travesty of a life and marriage, to have gotten off of your rather overly- large ass and at least gone LOOKING for a damn job?  
  
In closing, as to Ginny—well she can bloody well GO AHEAD with her plan to marry Lucius Malfoy's kid when they both finally graduate! And don't YOU dare go crying about it! After all, YOU'RE the one that wanted to keep trying for a girl, remember?!!?  
  
And as it is this last bit which has been the final straw to break my figurative camel's back, so to speak, I'm off to 'Avada Kedavra' myself...so have a real nice fucking rest of your life without me!  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Arthur Weasley  
  
(the husband and father who just finally couldn't take his family's shite anymore) 


	2. The Response Letter

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
  
This follow-up to "Arthur's Letter" was inspired by comments made to me in the original posting of the aforementioned short bit when it was first published on my livejournal. For those who've previously read this and those of you who've just recently discovered it as well, I hope that you will find this to be a satisfactory response to the initial letter...remember—(some of) you did ask for it after all!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.  
  
_Dearest Arthur,  
  
I know full well that you won't find this—it's been too many years since you decided to end things for both yourself and for "us" after all. But I felt a need, just now, as I near the end of my own years (by natural means) to commit my last thoughts to written words for the sake of posterity.  
  
As I look back on it presently, and reading over the letter (and thoughts therein) which you bequeathed to us, I have thusly decided that I shall frame this last, my own response accordingly...  
  
So—even at the very last, you clung to the foolish belief that you're tinkering with all of that Muggle nonsense could have done some good: HA! You never really were the sharpest knife in the drawer were you? And to think that I MYSELF could have had Lucius Malfoy (way back when), but you just HAD to out-do him in bed...  
  
But, as you said in your own last words, on to the kids, eh? Because even though you've made your own feelings toward them ABUNDANTLY clear, I feel the need to update you, wherever you may be looking down (or up?) on us from, as to how they've fared over the years:  
  
I'll start with Bill, seeing as you once did (and also since he's the oldest): thanks to you I did finally stop nagging him about that blasted pony-tail (which he still has, by the way)—something I know his wife Fleur was quite grateful for. None of his co-workers at the Ministry seem to care one way or the other about it—oh yes, he's been made Minister of Magic quite recently, didn't you know?  
  
Charlie: well, I hate to admit it, but I have to concede the point to you there—he was never really a favorite of mine either. Luckily for all of us he died in a tragic accident (or so they told me) on a dragon preserve in Beijing many years ago (something about a Chinese fireball and a shipment of amber-grise: I'm sure I don't really WANT to know...)  
  
As to Percy—spot on with that! How did you know? He finally DID 'come out' to us all on his long held love for the Dark Lord (and in so doing was even credited with having ended the war)—they've become inseparable ever since and regularly inundate us all with odd sorts of gifts as well their love and greetings from Tahiti!  
  
Fred and George—remember them, your FAVORITE sons? Well they were the most devastated by the loss of you of course. So much so it affected their business—they were forced to declare bankruptcy six months after (almost to the day) you died and I've been saddled with the pair of them living in the basement since. Haven't really been able to go anywhere or do any of the things I'd anticipated in the immediate aftermath of the freedom that the loss of you brought me, and I'm sure that you'd be quite happy to know that you did succeed in exacting some sort of revenge upon me there.  
  
Ron has been—well, RON. After you died, he finally finished Hogwarts with those two friends of his Harry and Hermione. I won't go into much detail on that score except to say this: the three of them left for the Muggle world together. Your son changed his surname to "Jeremy" (how ridiculous—having two first names!) in addition to making certain permanent modifications to his overall physical appearance, and the three of them have been running a quite successful production company specializing in a certain type of Muggle product called "adult films"...  
  
In closing (as you once did) I'll simply say here as to Ginny—she did marry the Malfoy boy after all and they have been living quite happily in Wiltshire with all of their five children nearby. The youngest turns twenty- three next month and the week after that, they'll be celebrating their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary.  
  
And as it was this last bit that drove you to take the drastic measure you did once so very long ago, I'll end finally with this: I hope you've had adequate time to prepare and recuperate, Arthur Weasley, because if it wasn't one before, then I fully intend to commit MY afterlife to making YOUR'S an endless hell!  
  
Sincerly (and with NO false affections),  
  
Molly_


End file.
